The Experience – Part One

It was my fourteenth birthday.  My friends and I had just moved into the living room after eating cake and I had just put KC and The Sunshine Band on the record player.  We were all enjoying ourselves and I was receiving my very first kiss from a girl.  After a time of looking into her eyes, I laid my head on her chest and while her breathing lifted my head up and down I noticed that all the chatter of the party goers had vanished and in its place was only the sound of the music.  It made me look around.  That’s when I noticed that everybody had literally fallen asleep wherever they were, the girl included.  I was the only one awake.  They did not find a place to lay down or anything like that, it was really weird, like they just fell out.

I started to shake my girlfriend and that is when I started getting really sick to my stomach and really, really dizzy.  I started to feel extremely uncomfortable, like scared and I started to feel like I should hide somewhere that nobody could find me.

So I got up, kind of doubled over and staggered down the hallway to the other room, a den off the kitchen, and in that room we had a big chair that sat against the wall in an angle that made a pocket behind the chair and the angle of the corner of the wall.  I crawled in that place and sat down with my legs crossed and my back against the two walls of the corner.  I was really scared at this point because what I was doing was not what I wanted to do.  I remember I just wanted to find my mom or dad or my older brother or anybody.  I did not even walk towards anyone sleeping to wake them.  I was inexplicably controlled by the physical symptoms I was having.  They were entirely more important every time I tried to do something different.

The spinning got worse.  The dizziness got worse and that was when my field of vision started to narrow down to a pin point of light and then darkness.  I was still awake.  I was not unconscious.  I then felt like my awareness was being sucked into the center of my chest, to the center of the sick feeling I had in the middle of my body.  The only thing I knew was that I was that feeling.  There was no other feeling or awareness.

After a short time in that state what happened next I cannot explain.  I could try and explain the sickness on some bad cake or ice cream or too much sugar or any number of things but what happened next was beyond my ability to explain as a fourteen year old.

I felt like I exploded outward.  I did not “see” anything I just felt it happening.  The experience was completely non-visual.  It was however very associative and connected.  I also had a certain awareness of a few things.  I had awareness that whatever was happening it was happening within a spherical shape.  Whatever was happening, it was expanding, not contracting anymore.  Whatever was happening, whatever I associated with while expanding I instantly knew everything about it.  Whatever was happening, it was nothing like anything I had ever been taught, that I had thought, dreamed, experienced or imagined.

The expansion continued unabated by anything that I associated with.  At some point I “knew” that the sphere had encompassed the Earth and its atmosphere right up to the edge of its magnetosphere.  I experienced this as a turbulence, again like a violent wind, not a visual experience.

I did not “see” the world I felt it, I felt as it.  All the thoughts, the feelings, the status of all life and the systems of the Earth, the currents and all the flowing and interrelated elements that made the Earth possible, even gravity as a pushing force from above and below me.

It happened fast.  It was not long before the expansion stopped.  As I was suspended between the din of the Earth below and the rushing of the wind above I encountered an impression, very still and very distinct which pushed me towards expanding more.  I was startled but not in a shocked way.  There was a calmness that encompassed that startle.  Like some part of me knew that could happen.  Not that it would, or should, but that it could.  I cannot say this was a “conversation”, it wasn’t like that, that’s crazy, but I did orient myself to this push, I knew that.  I also was aware that I was curious.  It was like a yearning, “how?”  Another impression as clear as the first implied some sort of connection involving face to face contact.  I have to admit I was out of my depth at this point in a way that was beyond how out of my depth I felt when it all began.  I remember feeling deeply that I was not ready to leave where I was, that I was very much interested in more of where I had come from.  The final impression was one of acquiescence and allowance.  That is what I felt.  Once that happened a constriction began with a whooshing sound.  In an instant I was back behind that chair and the song that was on the record player was the same song that was playing before I lost touch with the music and as I remember it the song picked up exactly where I remember it leaving off.

I wasn’t sick anymore and so I got up.  My mom was in the kitchen and saw me stand up and said, what are you doing in there behind that chair?  I said I did not know but that was a lie.  I was scared to talk about it with anyone and I joined the party where everyone was talking about the weirdness of dozing off.  I just sat there like I was in the twilight zone.  My girlfriend asked me what was wrong and I said, nothing.  I very quickly realized that I could not sit there like a zombie if I wanted to not say anything about it so I just started acting normal.  That is how I got out of it and that denial lasted many, many years.

I have since learned a great deal about not only that experience, but about what it represented.  Fantasy and psychosis aside, it represented a clear and distinct presentation of a part of me that was outside of the category of the possibilities inherent in my physical being.  That was the start of a quest to understand that phenomenon.  A journey that has lasted 36 years and has taken me to places that I now feel compelled to share now that the world is becoming more and more like how I felt on that day and other days after that.

I know that a ton of folks probably think I was suffering from some non-diagnosed mental illness, or an hallucination or a tumor on my brain.  As a fourteen year old boy, I had certainly experienced my share of trauma and so I will give anyone that assertion but it was something that happened seven years later that made me realize that I was not hallucinating and that I was indeed experiencing something extra-ordinary.  That experience was real and it was a part of me and as I found out later, it was a part of everyone.

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