The Experience – Part 6: Confirmation

the experience – part 6: confirmation
Chakras - energy body movement.
Chakras – energy body movement.

After I gave up trying to woo The One Who Left, I found myself strangely disassociated. I found myself outside of myself not able to touch the core of myself and feeling like a shard of myself given temporary life for a reason. This ultimately has a more profound conclusion as I will share with you as we go forward in this journey. For now let it suffice to say that where I was at that time felt like a simulation, a loop, that was built to keep me safe until I understood just who I really was.

I was living with several roommates all of them female except the last friend I had left over from the time with her. I was always perplexed by his behavior. He was always saying he was in his twenties but I found out from his girlfriend he was in his mid to late thirties. He was a strange human being. At first he moved his girlfriend in with him in his room and then they both moved out and rented their room to someone else. His aim was to live rent free. Which he did because he split the rent up evenly between the other roommates and paid no rent himself. He justified this because he was the one responsible for the lease and we were all just subletting the place. We all agreed to it because the house was beautiful and it was in Whitefish Bay, one the the most beautiful places in Milwaukee. We could not hope to have better accommodations. So we tolerated it. Then he was gone after a conversation with me where we talked with the owner of the property and I was given his place in managing the house. There were two floors, a basement, a finished attic. We had ten living there. My job was to collect the rent and give it to the landlord while keeping the place up and making sure nobody trashed it. I only rented to quite bookworm types. This was my way of making sure the place was always in great shape.

I lived rent free for a year. It was the year without her that I have mentioned before. During this time several key occurrences manifested into my reality. One of them was the time I saved the owner’s daughter’s life by correctly diagnosing an acute allergy and giving her the proper diet to overcome the malady and the other was the experience with a seeker of knowledge that I was friends with.

This was the experience that gave me confirmation that what I was experiencing was not all in my head. For a while now I had considered myself a shaman, a spirit walker of sorts. I was never on any drugs except for once when I was slipped some LSD unbeknownst to me. I did not like being anything other than sober because I was scientifically interested in the experiences that I was having. My thought was if I am not on any altering substances than whatever I was experiencing was real. There was no excuse, no way to pawn it off on some substance as an unreal artifact of that substance. I was very serious about my health for that reason. I also did not want to be experiencing anything in my life as a result of malnutrition.

So I got into wellness and became a raw food vegan and cleaned out my body and my mind in anticipation of a new scientific push into trying to discover just exactly how I had the experiences that I had previously in my life that were stone cold sober experiences that could not be explained. They were unspeakable. They were intrusive.

I had even had myself mentally evaluated by the university psychiatrist which was offered as a part of student services to full time students who were not in arrears on their tuition. I was always good to pay my tuition, so I availed myself of the mental health services. I was told that on every test I came back normal and that there was nothing in my behavior that signaled that I was experiencing a mental health illness.

So what was it that was happening to me? Why was I continuing to have these experiences? Why was I convinced that there was something trying to connect with me and that connection was happening in a plane of existence that was very much a different viewpoint than the one my physical self was having?

Now I need to say that I was not disturbed by this discovery. It was not horrific. It was like discovering a part of myself that I did not know I owned. That part of me had abilities and those abilities were not something I could speak about or describe very well to those who were not experienced.

That being said, I had one friend (or maybe an admirer?) who liked to stop over and talk with me. He had heard about me from some of my other associates and wanted to talk to me further about my experiences. I could tell he was a scientist like me and his method was painstaking. He was not annoying. He was easy going with his style and his method flowed likewise. I liked him. He liked me. So we decided to become partners in discovering any clues as to what was happening to me. I was relieved. From the very first memories I had this was something I always wanted. Someone who could be there while I was experiencing and provide a ground for my experience.

Something was different about this friend. He not only wanted to learn of the experience, he wanted to actually try and have it. I had no idea if that was even possible because my experience involved actually moving into a new state of awareness that was very much different than the one I was having with my physical senses. I was, however, intrigued at the possibility that it could be replicated.

So we set about finding confirmation. At first he asked me if there was something that he should read. Was there any research that he needed to do? Was there any literature that supported or described the experience? Was there any lab data on subjects who had experiences similar to mine? I told him about all the literature I was familiar with and he spent the next few weeks immersed. At the conclusion of this deep dive into the literature he said he wanted to work with me for sure as the research had really opened his mind to the possibility that something truly unique and powerful was happening.

We tried for weeks to duplicate not only my methods but my experimental outcomes with him. Nothing worked. He had no experiences that were in any way similar to mine. He was never able to escape the subjective prison.

Finally I decided that I was going to talk to him about trying to do an experiment where I would enter the experience and then try and bring him into it. Admittedly this was not ideal. Ideally we would have had a third party observing, but we did our best to make sure that we did not speak about what was happening and we did not speak about what we were experiencing to each other until we both wrote down what we had experienced and compared the two accounts.

The experiment involved us sitting cross-legged facing each other. We would hold hands. I would then begin to quiet myself and concentrate on disassociating myself with my sensory subjective awareness. If I was successful in transferring my awareness to the shimmering translucent body I would then reach inside his sensory subjective awareness and bring him into the same awareness as I was having by association.

The experiment began. After about two or three minutes I was able to reach disassociation with my sensory subjective awareness and successfully transferred my awareness into my translucent shimmering body. At this point I consciously willed myself to “grab” his translucent hands, hoping they would be there. Much to my delight and his, they were. Once we connected “energy hands”, he was able to “hear” me thinking. I thought to him, “Okay, we are going to slowly stand up, but not with our physical bodies. We are going to do this with our shimmering bodies.” I began to stand up and then he was able to do the same. He was elated and very excited. Then he began to become unstable and afraid and I said we needed to sit back down immediately. We did. When we were sitting down I let go of his inner and outer hands and he and I were immediately back in sensory subjective awareness with our ego’s completely back in charge.

The account I have just recounted is the result of the comparison of our notes which we immediately wrote down without talking to each other. They matched identically. What he experienced I also experienced verbatim. There was not the slightest deviation between the two accounts.

He paced the room for a while and then said he was not ready for the implications of this experience. He said clearly there exists an ability in the human brain to create “something” that can and does venture forth into “somewhere” that is just as clearly not physical sensory reality. He said clearly from the notes it appears that this experience is shared and is not an isolated occurrence. He said clearly this implicates the human structure in access technologies that we know nothing about.

I sat him down and talked to him about the yogis and shamans of this world and how they have been having this experience for thousands of years. I told him that there was very little data that was like our shared experience. That this was, to my knowledge, unique. There were some things in the Tibetan Book of the Dead that were similar to what we had experienced and some monks experiences indicated that transmigration was indeed documented with experiments the monks were doing with locating the next Dalai lama. To this day it still fascinates me, although it is increasingly becoming elementary and not as intriguing as it once was.

Once our conversation was over, he left, and I never saw him face to face again. I saw him around, but he was clearly avoiding me. This happened a lot, as I mentioned to you about her. That same thing happened to me there too. Shunning, avoidance and eventually betrayal in infidelity.

So the weirdo was once again alone. But the ramifications of The Confirmation altered my consciousness in ways that propelled me into new discoveries and new connections that brought about a completely amazing understanding of what human life was all about. It was at this time that I became fully aware that a heightened state of being was trying to communicate with me. I was unsure if it was a heightened part of me or if it was a heightened part of me that was also a part of something greater.

I was about to find out…

The Experience – Part 1: The Offer


blankIt was my fourteenth birthday.  My friends and I had just moved into the living room after eating cake and I had just put KC and The Sunshine Band on the record player.  We were all enjoying ourselves and I was receiving my very first kiss from a girl.  After a time of looking into her eyes, I laid my head on her chest and while her breathing lifted my head up and down I noticed that all the chatter of the party goers had vanished and in its place was only the sound of the music.  It made me look around.  That’s when I noticed that everybody had literally fallen asleep wherever they were, the girl included.  I was the only one awake.  They did not find a place to lay down or anything like that, it was really weird, like they just fell out.

I started to shake my girlfriend and that is when I started getting really sick to my stomach and really, really dizzy.  I started to feel extremely uncomfortable, like scared and I started to feel like I should hide somewhere that nobody could find me.

So I got up, kind of doubled over and staggered down the hallway to the other room, a den off the kitchen, and in that room we had a big chair that sat against the wall in an angle that made a pocket behind the chair and the angle of the corner of the wall.  I crawled in that place and sat down with my legs crossed and my back against the two walls of the corner.  I was really scared at this point because what I was doing was not what I wanted to do.  I remember I just wanted to find my mom or dad or my older brother or anybody.  I did not even walk towards anyone sleeping to wake them.  I was inexplicably controlled by the physical symptoms I was having.  They were entirely more important every time I tried to do something different.

The spinning got worse.  The dizziness got worse and that was when my field of vision started to narrow down to a pin point of light and then darkness.  I was still awake.  I was not unconscious.  I then felt like my awareness was being sucked into the center of my chest, to the center of the sick feeling I had in the middle of my body.  The only thing I knew was that I was that feeling.  There was no other feeling or awareness.

After a short time in that state what happened next I cannot explain.  I could try and explain the sickness on some bad cake or ice cream or too much sugar or any number of things but what happened next was beyond my ability to explain as a fourteen year old.

I felt like I exploded outward.  I did not “see” anything I just felt it happening.  The experience was completely non-visual.  It was however very associative and connected.  I also had a certain awareness of a few things.  I had awareness that whatever was happening it was happening within a spherical shape.  Whatever was happening, it was expanding, not contracting anymore.  Whatever was happening, whatever I associated with while expanding I instantly knew everything about it.  Whatever was happening, it was nothing like anything I had ever been taught, that I had thought, dreamed, experienced or imagined.

The expansion continued unabated by anything that I associated with.  At some point I “knew” that the sphere had encompassed the Earth and its atmosphere right up to the edge of its magnetosphere.  I experienced this as a turbulence, again like a violent wind, not a visual experience.

I did not “see” the world I felt it, I felt as it.  All the thoughts, the feelings, the status of all life and the systems of the Earth, the currents and all the flowing and interrelated elements that made the Earth possible, even gravity as a pushing force from above and below me.

It happened fast.  It was not long before the expansion stopped.  As I was suspended between the din of the Earth below and the rushing of the wind above I encountered an impression, very still and very distinct which pushed me towards expanding more.  I was startled but not in a shocked way.  There was a calmness that encompassed that startle.  Like some part of me knew that could happen.  Not that it would, or should, but that it could.  I cannot say this was a “conversation”, it wasn’t like that, that’s crazy, but I did orient myself to this push, I knew that.  I also was aware that I was curious.  It was like a yearning, “how?”  Another impression as clear as the first implied some sort of connection involving face to face contact.  I have to admit I was out of my depth at this point in a way that was beyond how out of my depth I felt when it all began.  I remember feeling deeply that I was not ready to leave where I was, that I was very much interested in more of where I had come from.  The final impression was one of acquiescence and allowance.  That is what I felt.  Once that happened a constriction began with a whooshing sound.  In an instant I was back behind that chair and the song that was on the record player was the same song that was playing before I lost touch with the music and as I remember it the song picked up exactly where I remember it leaving off.

I wasn’t sick anymore and so I got up.  My mom was in the kitchen and saw me stand up and said, what are you doing in there behind that chair?  I said I did not know but that was a lie.  I was scared to talk about it with anyone and I joined the party where everyone was talking about the weirdness of dozing off.  I just sat there like I was in the twilight zone.  My girlfriend asked me what was wrong and I said, nothing.  I very quickly realized that I could not sit there like a zombie if I wanted to not say anything about it so I just started acting normal.  That is how I got out of it and that denial lasted many, many years.

I have since learned a great deal about not only that experience, but about what it represented.  Fantasy and psychosis aside, it represented a clear and distinct presentation of a part of me that was outside of the category of the possibilities inherent in my physical being.  That was the start of a quest to understand that phenomenon.  A journey that has lasted 36 years and has taken me to places that I now feel compelled to share now that the world is becoming more and more like how I felt on that day and other days after that.

I know that a ton of folks probably think I was suffering from some non-diagnosed mental illness, or an hallucination or a tumor on my brain.  As a fourteen year old boy, I had certainly experienced my share of trauma and so I will give anyone that assertion but it was something that happened seven years later that made me realize that I was not hallucinating and that I was indeed experiencing something extra-ordinary.  That experience was real and it was a part of me and as I found out later, it was a part of everyone.

Continue reading “The Experience – Part 1: The Offer”